Drabble Me This
by starfish.dancer
Summary: Drabbles inspired by prompts on the puckracheldrabblememe that actually turn out drabble-length will go here.  Rating may go up, but should be safe at a T for now.
1. Seldom a Misfortune

**Author Note: **Based on this prompt at the puckracheldrabblememe: "I teach Taekwon-Do to kids age 4-9. I paired boy and girl together. After a few minutes I noticed the boy wasn't defending himself or fighting back, but standing there taking the hits. When asked why, he said he didn't want to remind her of her dad."

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Except the mistakes. Those are all mine.**

******Seldom a Misfortune**

Rachel has been living in Lima with Mark and Aaron Berry just under a year when she is first part of the Taekwando class he teaches as part of the JCC's summer program. She's one of the older kids in the age group, but she's such a tiny thing, all dark eyes and hair, you can hardly tell. Even with a range of 5 to 9 year olds, it isn't a large group - the Jewish community in Lima, Ohio is not that large.

He doesn't know much about the family, and what he does know is pieced together from hearsay and gossip - though the ladies at the synagogue do like to gossip. According to Miriam Goldman, the Misters Berry originally had tried surrogacy. The first woman they'd found had backed out, and second and third attempts had unfortunately ended in miscarriages. Devastated and in need of a change of scene, the Misters Berry had packed up and moved to Cleveland. When they'd come back three year's later, they'd brought Rachel with them.

"A foster child," he remembers Chava Puckerman tisking, "Her mother overdosed, and who knows what the poor girl's father got up to, but I overheard Mark say something about jail."

"So lucky, too, that the girl doesn't seem to have the kind of problems that go with that lifestyle. Though I supposed they might still turn up. I know I wouldn't want to bring up some stranger's child." That would have been Shoshanna Ben-Israel, who could always see potential threats in other people's children, but was oblivious to her own son's obsessive behaviour.

He doesn't know much more, just that the adoption was finalized about 6 months ago. Mark and Aaron Berry are fairly private. They do dote on the girl, maybe spoil her even, but she's so quiet and withdrawn he suspects in part they would do anything to break her out of her shell.

When it comes to teaching Taekwando, he's a little concerned about pairing her with Noah Puckerman, but most of the other kids in her age range know each other and have already paired off. Noah is a little terror who once took out the JCC's ceiling fan when he hooked a dog leash over it to try to fly like Superman, but the other option is Jacob Ben-Israel and, well, that's not something he wants to inflict on the girl. Besides, he's seen Noah with Rachel at the synagogue more than once, and the little girl does seem to lose a little of her shyness around the bold, mohawked boy.

He shows them some basic moves and leads them in a few exercises on their own, before sending them to their pairings to try the routine out. He's helping one of the younger kids adjust his stance when he glances up and is surprised to see tiny, quiet Rachel just launch herself at Noah.

He gets a pit of dread in his stomach because, while the moves follow what he had just taught them, there's a desperation to them that is a concern. To his great surprise, Noah doesn't move, not even to defend himself. He calls a break, sends the class outside to the playground, and pulls Rachel off of Noah. She's wild-eyed and flailing, and it takes her a full minute to come back to herself. He's about to reprimand her when her big brown eyes well up with tears and she dissolves into quiet sobs.

He's a bit at a loss of what to do, and blurts the first thing that comes to mind. "Noah, why did you take the hits? Why didn't you block the way I showed you or defend yourself?"

Noah looks at him like he's stupid, and maybe he is because he's got a crying child and he's asking about Noah's defense strategy. "Blocking looked just like hitting to me, and I didn't want to remind her of her dad."

He's absolutely horrified, standing there helplessly while Noah helps Rachel up from the ground. "C'mon, Rach," Noah says, taking her hand in his. "I'll push you on the swings."

As they walk out together to the playground, hand in hand, he reminds himself to correct the next person who calls Chava Puckerman's son a little hellion.


	2. Puck and Rachel Play the Newlywed Game

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but the mistakes. Glee doesn't belong to me. Bones doesn't belong to me. The Newlywed Game doesn't belong to me. The Amazing Race doesn't belong to me (and I actually have never watched it). The couple is made up, but they probably don't belong to me either.**

Author note: Somewhere on the puckracheldrabblememe is a prompt about Puck and Rachel playing the Newlywed Game. I have no idea where to find that prompt again, but this wackiness is the result. I've done my best to replicate the game format, capture the host's voice as best as I can, and play with a format I'm entirely unused to, as I don't usually do scripts. I hope you find it fun - it certainly was writing it. I used Booth and Brennan because I thought it would kind of be hilarious to see Dr. Brennan on that game show, and semi-feasible for her to be approached given her somewhat celebrity status in the show canon (not unknown, but not an A-lister). I used a made up reality couple because I don't watch enough reality TV to use a real couple. And now, on with the story!

**Puck and Rachel Play the Newlywed Game**

**Theme Music begins. **__

Announcer: She's a world-renowned anthropologist with a best-selling mystery series, he's the FBI Agent who handcuffed her heart. Married six months, meet couple number one, Dr. Temperance Brennan and Agent Seeley Booth!

_Audience applauds as Booth and Brennan wave._

Announcer: They met while competing against each other on the Amazing Race, then raced to the altar a few months later. Married for a year and a half, meet couple number two, Nikki and Chad Turner!

_Audience applauds again as the blond-haired, blue-eyed couple who looks like they were cut out of a catalogue mimes running._

Announcer: He's got an album coming out in the spring and his first two singles are climbing the charts, while she's headlining Broadway's revival of _West Side Story_ as Maria. Married for four months and making beautiful music together, meet couple number three, Noah "Puck" Puckerman and Rachel Berry!

_Puck has his arm slung around his tiny wife and smirks at the audience as she leans up to kiss his cheek. The audience cheers as he turns at the last second to capture her lips and she blushes._

Announcer: And now, here's your host, Sherri Shepherd!

Sherri: Hello, and welcome to our special celebrity edition of the Newlywed Game. The winning couple will see $25,000 donated to a charity of their choice. For now, we've sent the wives away. Husbands, you'll each be asked a question, and your wife has to match your answer. Each question is worth 5 points. Let's start with husband number one. Seeley, who are you playing for?

Booth: It's Booth. And Bones and I are playing in support of a graduate scholarship at the Jeffersonian for underprivileged students.

_Audience aws._

Sherri: Aw, that's sweet. Here's your first question: What sentence that could be heard in a dentist's office was last heard in your bedroom: "Ow!"; "Are you finished?"; or "Open wide!"

Booth: Oh, man. Seriously? I'm supposed to admit this on television?

Sherri: That's the way the game is played.

Booth: I'm never going to live this down. In my defense, we have a child and she was knocking at the door. "Are you finished?"

Sherri (smiles): Sure she was. Husband number two, who are you playing for?

Chad: If we win, the money will go toward cancer research.

Sherri: That's nice. Now, how 'bout you. Chad, what sentence that could be heard in a dentist's office was last heard in your bedroom: "Ow!"; "Are you finished?"; or "Open wide!"

Chad: "Open wide. Definitely."

Sherri: Definitely.

Chad: Definitely.

Sherri: Husband number three, who are you playing for.

Puck (winking at Sherri): Well, Rach is all about the animals, so we're playing for the Humane Society.

Sherri: Very nice. Now, Puck, what's your answer?

Puck: Well, I'd say I hate to copy an answer, but anyone who went to school with me would call bull. I'm going with "open wide".

Sherri: That been heard once or twice in the Berry-Puckerman household?

Puck: My girl's got a good mouth, that's all I'm saying.

_Audience collectively oohs._

Sherri (raises her eyebrows): She gonna let you get away with that?

Puck: Probably not. Baby, when you watch this, just remember, if you make me sleep on the couch, you'll just end up there with me, and that makes you sore for your show, so just let me make it up to you, 'kay?

_Sherri shakes her head._

Sherri: Chad, they say every time you have sex, you burn 100 calories. How many did you burn last month?

Chad: Oh, 1000, at least.

Sherri: That many? What about you, Puck? How many calories last month?

Puck (eyes looking up as though adding in his brain): 3000.

Sherri: Seriously?

Puck: M'ma sex shark, Sherri. Gotta keep sexin' to live.

Sherri (laughs): Alright, then. And Booth?

Booth: I'm going to go with 1000.

Sherri: One final question before we bring the wives out. Complete this sentence: Michelle Obama's secret service code name was Renaissance. Jackie Kennedy was Lace. My wife would be "blank". Puck?

Puck (without hesitation): Legs.

Sherri: Legs?

Puck: Absolutely. I mean, she's almost a midget but, damn, my girl has legs.

Sherri: Okay, then. Legs. How 'bout your wife, Booth?

Booth: I'm going to have to go with Bones.

Puck: Nice.

Booth: Not - she works with bones, okay? Dead people.

Sherri (laughing): Got it. And Chad?

Chad: I don't know. Um, Apple? Because she's a teacher, maybe?

Sherri: Then that's your answer. Alright we're going to commercial, and when we get back, the wives will be back out here to match their husbands answers!

_Theme music plays as they come back from commercial. The wives are seated next to their husbands. Brennan is sitting quite straight in her seat, though her hand is looped through Booth's. Chad and Nikki are showily all over each other. Rachel and Puck are seated comfortably next to one another, Puck's hand sitting on the expanse of thigh revealed by her admittedly short skirt, while she's looped her arm through his to rest her hand on his bicep._

Sherri: Welcome back, couples! Let's see if these ladies can match their husbands answers. Starting with wife number one. Temperance - can I call you Temperance?

Brennan: That is my name, why would you call me something else?

Booth: She means if you mind her using your first name, Bones.

Brennan: Oh. Then that's fine.

Sherri (amused): Alright then. The first question we asked your husband was what sentence that could be heard in a dentist's office was last heard in your bedroom: "Ow!"; "Are you finished?"; or "Open wide!"

Brennan: Oh, that's easy. "Are you finished?" Though, I would like to point out that our daughter was knocking on the door, otherwise I would never have asked. I find our lovemaking very satisfactory.

Booth (shows his answer): Thanks, honey.

Sherri: Congratulations, that's five points. And Nikki, how about you?

Nikki: Oh, it was definitely "Are you finished?"

_Chad shows his card, frowning._

Nikki: Sorry! But I wasn't there, sweetie, and you were.

Sherri: Moving on... Rachel, how about you.

Rachel (blushing): It was "ow".

Sherri: "Ow?" That doesn't sound good.

Rachel (shyly): Well, Noah just got back from being away for a few weeks, meeting with the label and performing, and when he got back we got a little - enthusiastic - and perhaps there may have been some soreness when I got up this morning...

Sherri: Puck, what did you say?

_Puck lifts his sign, which says "open wide"._

Puck: Sorry, baby.

Rachel (blurting it out): Noah, she said _last, _not most.

_Sherri barks a laugh as Rachel claps a hand over her mouth, realising what she's just said. The audience titters._

Sherri: Let's go to question number two. Ladies, they say every time you have sex, you burn 100 calories. How many calories did your husband say you burned last month? Starting with you, Nikki.

Nikki: 100 each time? I'd say, maybe 200?

Sherri: 200 hundred, in a month.

Nikki: It's been a busy month!

Sherri: Chad, what did you say?

_Chad reluctantly shows his sign. Nikki scoffs and rolls her eyes._

Sherri: Sorry, Nikki and Chad. Rachel, what do you think Puck said?

_Rachel bites her lip, her face scrunched up as her mouth moves, counting numbers. She smiles widely._

Rachel: 5100.

Sherri (jaw dropped): 5100? That's almost twice a day!

Rachel: No, he was away for a few days.

Puck: I was away for two weeks, baby.

Rachel: This month, last month it was just a few days, plus we had that Sunday...

Puck: Sh[bleeped], baby, I answered for this month.

Rachel (leans up to kiss him): It's okay.

Sherri: What about you, Temperance?

Brenna: Oh, that would be 1100. It is more difficult to have regular intercourse because we have a child.

Booth: I was close.

Temperance: Yes, though I find myself a little concerned that you appear to have forgotten one.

Booth: I rounded.

Temperance: Oh. Well, that seems acceptable.

Sherri: Alright, one last question. Complete this sentence: Michelle Obama's secret service code name was Renaissance. Jackie Kennedy was Lace. My wife would be "blank". Rachel, how do you think Puck answered that question.

Rachel (automatically): Legs. Though I personally think "Broadway" is more acceptable, my husband is fascinated with my legs.

Bones: As an anthropologist, I do have to say that, given your height, the proportions are unusually elongated.

_Booth takes a look at Puck's expression, which seems to be getting stormy._

Booth (translating): She thinks your wife has long legs for someone so short.

Puck (proudly, even as he shows his card): Damn straight.

_Rachel claps delightedly, and leans up to kiss her husband. His hand starts to drift higher up her thigh, and she gasps._

Rachel (scolding whisper): Noah, we're on television, not at home!

Puck (moving his hand safely lower): Sorry, babe. Habit.

Sherri: That's right. Let's keep it PG, folks!

Puck (earnestly): I'll try, but 's hard. I mean, look at her!

_The audience "awws"._

Sherri: Alright, Temperance, what did you think Booth said?

Brennan: Oh, he would have said Bones, though I would like to point out that is a terrible code name, as a number of people know he calls me that.

Sherri: Booth, what did you say? (He shows card.) That's right! And Nikki?

Nikki: Oh, he would definitely have said "Rose". It's my favourite flower.

Sherri: Chad, what did you say?

Chad: I said apple. Because your a teacher.

_Nikki huffs, crossing her arms._

Sherri: Well, that's our first round! We've got couple number one with 10 points, couple number three trailing with 5 points, and couple number two, still looking to score. When we get back, the wives will be in the hot seat!

_The show goes to commercial. The theme song comes back on as the show comes back, the wives now alone while their husbands are backstage._

Sherri: Alright, ladies, we've sent your husbands out, but before we start with the questions, let's start with a few get-to-know you questions. Temperance, I hear you proposed to Booth. Is that true?

Brennan: Yes. I didn't believe in marriage, but I realised it was very important to Booth, more important than it was for me to not be married, so I asked him.

Sherri: Oh, that is rather sweet. And Nikki, I understand you proposed as well?

Nikki: Yes. We went to Vegas together for a friend's wedding, and I took one look at the chapel and thought, we should do this. So I asked him, and we did!

Sherri: And Rachel, what about you? Do we have a trifecta, here?

Rachel (shakes her head, smiles): Sorry, Sherri, but Noah did the proposing.

Sherri: And how'd he ask you?

Rachel: Well, we were having a picnic in Central Park, because we both had the afternoon off, and I'd gotten his favourite sandwich even though I always feel guilty when I buy any animal products, and made cupcakes. He looked at me, a sandwich in one hand and a cupcake in the other, and it wasn't so much asking as saying "Baby, you gotta marry me." I laughed it off at first, but then he was pulling a ring from his pocket, and he'd apparently had it for months...

Sherri: That's surprising romantic.

Rachel: But if he asks, tell him I told you it was "badass".

Sherri: Alright, we'll let's get to the questions. Each one is worth ten points. Temperance, this one is for you. If I could change one thing about my wedding day, it would be?

Temperance: I can't think of anything I would change. We went to city hall and then our friends came for dinner.

Sherri: So nothing?

Temperance: Nothing.

Sherri: Nikki, what about you?

Nikki: Oh, that's easy, and Chad will totally agree. My ex-boyfriend tried to break up the ceremony.

Sherri: Your ex-boyfriend tried to break up the ceremony?

Nikki: It was awful, and I cried, but Chad's best man was actually really great and got him out of there and kept him out, and Chad said "ignore him, this is our day" and everything else went smoothly.

Sherri: Aww. And Rachel? Anything you'd change about your wedding day?

Rachel: I'm not sure how to put this delicately... no interruption?

Sherri: Your wedding got interrupted too?

Rachel: Well, not the wedding.

Sherri: The reception?

Rachel: No...

Sherri: Girl, you gotta explain this one.

Rachel: Well, I'm not sure if you are familiar with Jewish custom, but our parents insisted on the tradition where we didn't see each other for a week before the wedding. So, before the reception, we were allowed some time alone together. Anyway, my dress was very voluminous, and then his best man was walking in because the lock didn't work properly and we were totally mortified...

Sherri: So no interruptions. Got it. Alright, question number two. What item does your husband pack in his suitcase that airport security would assume belongs to you? Nikki?

Nikki: The eye mask. He's worried about wrinkles.

Sherri: Rachel?

Rachel (confidently): Absolutely nothing.

Sherri: Nothing?

Rachel: My husband is all man.

Sherri: And Temperance?

Brennan: Perhaps his socks? They are really quite humourous, and not standard for an FBI agent.

Sherri: Alright, ladies, if an accountant were to go through your and your husband's receipts, what's the weirdest purchase he'd find? Rachel?

Rachel: Well, I just want to clarify that I don't think it is weird, but Noah thinks it is. Vegan bacon.

Sherri: Seriously?

Rachel: Yes, Noah says "what's the point, it not bacon or even real meat!" even when I point out we're Jewish and I don't eat meat.

Sherri: Alright, then, vegan bacon. And Temperance?

Brennan: I can't think of anything except he recently purchased a "cocky" belt buckle for his son, Parker. Since he already has one, I suppose an accountant might find that weird.

Sherri: What about you, Nikki?

Nikki: The comic books. He buys a lot of comic books.

Sherri: Alright then, one last question, and this one is two parts, worth 15 points each. The first person your husband called after the first time you got it on was "blank", and the one word use to describe it was "blank". Temperance?

Temperance: I am not entirely certain that Booth would reveal that kind of information.

Sherri: No one?

Temperance: Well, I suppose he might have spoken with his brother Jared.

Sherri: And how would he have described it.

Temperance (smiling to herself): Spectacular.

Sherri: Spectacular. Nice. And how about you, Nikki?

Nikki: I think he would have called his brother as well, Kyle, and he would have said awesome.

Sherri: And Rachel?

Rachel: I actually know this one for sure. It's our friend Blaine, and the word was "hot". Well, there was an expletive before it, but definitely "hot".

Sherri: And you're sure about it.

Rachel: Very sure. We were still in bed.

Sherri: Still in... he called while you were cuddling?

Rachel (wryly): Blaine's his bro.

Sherri: Alright, then, let's bring your husbands back in here!

_The announcer goes on to describing the prizes while the husbands return to the room._

Sherri: Alright, gentlemen, let's go to round two. The questions are worth 10 points. Starting with you, Booth. If I could change one thing about my wedding day, it would be? What did your wife say?

Booth: Um, she wouldn't change anything. The wedding was just the way she liked it.

Brennan: That's what I said.

Sherri: And Chad?

Chad: Nikki's ex showed up and tried to stop the ceremony. Would definitely have changed that.

Sherri: And Nikki, you put down?

Nikki (clapping): Interrupted by my ex!

_The audience claps as they kiss._

Sherri: And Puck, what did your wife say?

Puck (without pausing a beat): That the lock on the cloakroom door work so we could have finished what we started.

Sherri: And Rachel, you wrote down...

_Rachel holds up a card that says "Not interruption after the ceremony."_

Sherri: The judges will take it! Alright, next question. What item of yours in your suitcase would airport security would assume belongs to Nikki?

Chad: Um, maybe my hair gel?

Nikki: Oh, I didn't think of that one. I put down the eye mask.

Chad: Honey, you weren't supposed to tell!

_Audience laughs._

Sherri: And Puck? What did your wife say.

Puck: Sherri, nothing I pack would ever be mistaken for Rachel's. I'm a manly dude. Check out the guns.

Rachel: Your arms are lovely, Noah. And I said nothing, too!

_Puck smiles at her excitement, bends down to kiss her. Sherri has to clear her throat when they start to get carried away. Rachel looks down and blushes while Puck just smirks._

Sherri: And Booth, what do you think Temperance put?

Booth: Nothing.

Sherri: Nothing?

Booth: I got the guns of my own.

Temperance: He does, I can attest to that. But I put down your socks.

Booth: The socks?

Temperance: You are an FBI agent. And they are quite comical.

Sherri: Alright, next question. If an accountant were to go through your and your wife's receipts, what's the weirdest purchase he'd find?

Puck: Oh, it's definitely the vegan bacon. What's the point of bacon if it isn't, you know, bacon?

Sherri: And Rachel said?

_Rachel claps her hands as she holds up her blue card._

Sherri: And what about you, Booth? What's the weirdest purchase in your receipts?

Booth: It's gotta be the skull.

Sherri: The skull?

Booth: Yeah, she ordered this skull from, like, the Himalayas or something?

Brennan: It was the Hebrides, and it isn't weird. I'm an anthropologist.

Booth: Yeah, Bones, but don't you think an accountant would find that weird.

Brennan: I suppose.

Booth: Wait, what did you put?

Brennan: I put that cocky belt you bought Parker.

Booth: You think that's weird?

Brennan: Well, you already have one, so I thought an account might find it weird that you made another purchase when clearly you haven't lost the first one. You're wearing it now.

_Booth just smiles. His wife is, after all, one of a kind._

Sherri: And what about you, Chad?

Chad: The shoes. She buys a lot of shoes.

Sherri: I'm sorry, Chad. Your wife said the comics.

Chad: They are an investment!

Sherri: Alright, we've got to go to commercial, but when we get back, we'll do the final question, worth 30 points. Right now, Temperance and Booth are sitting at 20 points, Chad and Nikki have 10 points, and Rachel and Puck have 35 points. But it is still anyone's game!

_The show comes back from commercial with the theme song._

Sherri: Alright, couples. I asked your wives a question in two parts, each worth 15 points. Chad and Nikki, I'll start with you. Chad, the first person you called after you first got it on together was "blank", and the word you used to describe it was "blank". What did Nikki say?

Chad: I think she would have said my best friend, Cowboy, and the word would have been "awesome".

Nikki (disappointed): I did say "awesome", but I thought you would have told Kyle.

Chad: Sorry, baby.

Nikki: It's alright. We're still awesome.

_They kiss, and the audience claps._

Sherri: Alright, Booth?

Booth: She's going to say Jared, my brother, though I want to clarify that I didn't tell anyone, because it is none of their business. But if I had to describe it in one word? Spectacular.

Sherri: Temperance?

Brennan: I said Jared, and spectacular.

Sherri: That puts you in the lead with 50 points. Puck, you have to get at least one right to tie.

Puck: No worries, Sherri, we got this. It was Blaine, 'cause he's my bro and needed to know she finally caved, and I told him it was [bleep]in' hot.

Sherri: And Rachel put down... Blaine and hot! Couple number three, you are our winners!

_Rachel jumps up and pulls her husband into a hug,as Sherri explains that all the couples are winners and that each couple's charity will be taking home a sum of money. As the music takes the show away for a final time, the camera pans over Puck and Rachel, as Puck pulls his wife into an uncharacteristically (at least for his public persona) kiss and swings her around. She laughs against his lips, a screen cap that will end up on People magazine 50 years down the road under the headline "Still in love as ever!"_


	3. The Game of the Name

**Author Note: **Written for this prompt (.?thread=18500927#t18500927) on the Puck/Rachel drabblememe. Warning: I do not have a beta!

**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. **

**The Game of the Name**

They are sitting in the Lima Bean, the seven of them crammed around one tiny table because Rachel thinks eleven o'clock is too early to go to the bar, no matter how many times Santana tells her it's past noon elsewhere. The Bean is busy, which means there aren't enough chairs to go around. He's not complaining. It means Rachel's pert ass is perched on his lap and the chances of copping a discrete feel in public is higher. Not a lot higher, but he'll take what he can get.

It's become a kind of tradition, whenever any of the former Gleeks are in Lima for the holidays. They all get together and catch up, no non-gleek significant others allowed. It works for Mike and Tina, who have been living together in California, where Mike teaches hip hop and Tina manages a gallery. It also works for him. He transferred to NYU for his second year of college, and ended up crashing most weekends on the couch of the apartment Rachel and Kurt shared, since his roommates were douches. His eventually ending up in Rachel's bed was inevitable; his staying there had come as a surprise to a lot of people, himself included. He put a ring on her finger two years ago, and he's never looked back.

It's been at least five years since everyone has been in town the same year, and this year is no different. Quinn and her mother are spending Christmas at a chalet Aspen with Quinn's sister and her family. Mercedes drew the short straw and is the nurse manager stuck at the hospital for the next week. That Rory kid is a perpetual student and has exams until the last possible minute. Sam's wife is about to pop a kid out any day now, so they aren't leaving Tennessee in the near future. Blaine is filming a New Year's Eve special and won't get out of L.A. until tomorrow. Brittany is overseas working as a back up dancer for some chart-topping pop tart Rachel loves. Artie was supposed to get in last night, but he's stuck in some Canadian airport until the weather clears up.

That leaves just the seven of them. He's flanked on one side by Santana, who is fast tracking her way to partner at a law firm in D.C., and by Kurt on the other. Dude had legit insisted on sitting next to Rachel, like they didn't all drive up from New York three days ago and he didn't have to listen to him go on and on about the next Tony Award dress he's designing her. Puck had spend at least half an hour listening to Kurt poetic about corsets and boning, and it wasn't even the good kinds. Mike and Tina are curled up together in a chair next to him, and Finn, who works with Burt here in Lima, is awkwardly trying to fold his long legs under the table so the woman behind him can get up to get her drink.

"Let's play a game," Santana says, because she's a little shit disturber.

Finn's eyes dart from side to side. "Uh, I don't think that's a good idea. The last time we played one of your games, I ended up walking back to town naked."

"You weren't naked," Santana dismisses. "You had your shoes on. Anyway, it's not that kind of game. Just a little word play to pass the time."

"Yay! I love word games!" Rachel claps her little hands and bounces in his lap in excitement. Puck shifts in his seat, because, you know, his girl was just bouncing in his lap. That's never not going to be awesome. Well, it could be more awesome, if she were naked and ...

"You with us, Puckerman?" Mike smirks from across the table.

"Shut up, Chang," he says, but it's good natured.

"So," Kurt asks warily when Santana explains the gist of things. "We just describe our sex lives using a movie title? That's it?"

"Well," she says, raising an eyebrow. "Let's make it a little more interesting. We'll throw in some options, first, for each of us."

The woman truly does come by her Satan nickname honestly. He's kind of glad they aren't doing this over drinks, because shit might get ugly.

Santana rolls her eyes. "Look, I'll be a good sport and go first. Take your shots."

"The Women?" Tina throws out tentatively.

"Leave it to Beaver," Puck goes for the kill, and the table groans. "Or Snatch."

"Beautiful Girls," Rachel says, because she's sweet like that.

"100 Girls," Finn counters, because he may be slow on the uptake half the time, but he can be quick with a joke. Santana just laughs and throws her stir stick at him.

"The 40 Year Old Virgin," Mike says with a straight face.

"How about, In the Land of Women?" Kurt says.

"Any of those will do, but I was thinking more like A Good Old Fashioned Orgy," says Santana, leaning back in her seat and grinning.

"Nice," Puck says, and Rachel swats at his shoulder.

"Let's do Tina!" Rachel says.

"That's what she said," Kurt says automatically, and they all laugh.

"I'm going with Freaky Friday for the former goth," San says.

"Scream," Mike smirks.

"I visited them in Cali once," Rachel says idly. "I'd go with Rabbits for the both of them."

"Ooh, what about Enter the Dragon?" Finn says, and gets a table full of rolled eyes for his effort.

"What about Kurt?" Mike says. "And you can't use Brokeback Mountain, it's too easy."

"If his last boyfriend is anything to go by, I'm going to have to say Psycho," Rachel says.

"Alas, it is true," Kurt sighs. "But he was also The Iron Giant, so..."

"Huddy, you're up," Puck says when Finn stops choking on his drink.

"Well, it's definitely not Matchstick Men, hey Rachel?" Santana says. Puck glares at her, because he doesn't like thinking about his girl getting it with anyone but him, even if it was a long time ago. "More like Big."

"Gone in 60 seconds," he growls, just to be a jerk.

"Be nice, Noah," Rachel says, but she snuggles a little closer and doesn't throw in any options. She knows it bothers him, and she isn't about to rub his face in it.

"In and Out," Santana follows suit, because she's not above a low blow either.

"I overheard a locker room style conversation about his last hookup when he called Mike," Tina says. "Too much information, by the way, but I'm going with The Italian Job. Emphasis on _job_."

"An unfortunate DVD mix up will also account for Sex, Lies, and Videotapes being accurate," Kurt says dryly.

"Mom and Burt were pretty traumatized," Finn says.

"What about the Puckerone, here?" Mike says. "If we were going with past patterns, it would have to be The Departed. What was it you used to say? Puckzilla doesn't do sleep overs?"

"Hey, I got lots of suggestions," Puck says. "The Endurance. Deep Impact. I Am Legend. Back me up, baby."

"How about The Hours?" Rachel indulges him.

"Nice," Mike says, reaching across to slap him five.

"What about Rachel?" Tina says.

"If you say Deep Throat, you'll be on the couch for a month," Rachel whispers in his ear. She knows him too well.

"Splash," Santana says, just to be lewd.

"As her former roommate, I'm going with at least the first half of Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close," Kurt puts in.

"Bend It Like Beckham," Mike suggests.

"Hey! That's my woman you guys are talking about!" Puck says.

"What, you're not going to offer anything better, then?" Santana challenges.

"I know better," he says, adding a rueful. "Now."

"Alright, Rachel, what's it going to be?" Tina asks, giving Rachel a look he can't quite read. They've been as thick as thieves since yesterday afternoon when Tina came over and they locked themselves in Rachel's old bedroom while he and Mike played vintage COD on Rachel's dads' giant TV.

Rachel bites her lip, looks up at him through her lashes. "How about Knocked Up?"

His hand freezes in the air on the way to his drink. "Baby, are you for serious?"

"If the four different tests she made me pick up are any indication, then yes," Tina says. "She's totally for serious."

He stands abruptly, catching his wife before she can topple from his lap in surprise, then pulls her into a hot kiss that has the barista clearing her throat in annoyance. He pulls back, grabs her hand, and starts out the door.

"Wait, Noah, our friends-"

"Can meet up with us later. We're having a baby, Baby. We're going home to celebrate!"


	4. In Which Rachel Is Not A Goat

**In Which Rachel Is Not a Goat **

It's like, tradition or something. Since before he even went to this school. Every year, when it comes to the championship game, William McKinley may never have had a spot, but what they have had is the winning team's mascot. They don't keep it forever or shit, just long enough that their rep as badasses is totally solid.

His freshman year it had been pretty lame; the quarterback had snuck into this all boys school as a prospective student and grabbed their stupid little bird. The year after had been a little harder, but a couple of guys had still managed to snag the bulldog from some dude's year. Last year was especially boss, though. The Jefferson Rams had set out guard shifts to protect their precious Milly, but the goat had still ended up chowing down on the seats of Azimio's van (that shit had been hilarious).

This year, things are different for a few reasons. See, this year, the team is actually good. The last coach quit and moved to Maryland or Maine something when his guidance counsellor fiancee off with this singing Spanish teacher from another school. So they ended up with Bieste, who actually knew what she was doing and got them all the way to the championship game and last night they were just a couple of points from having to kidnap their own stupid Titan suit.

That's something a little different this year, too. As it turns out, the Perry High School may have a decent football team, but they don't have the kind of discretionary funds to replace a mascot's suit when it is the victim of a freak accident at the school science fair. Hence the team's little problem.

"I can't steal her. She's a person, not a goat. Jesus, Puck." Quarterback Finn Hudson is pacing the ground under the bleachers, where a couple of the guys and Santana Lopez, the head cheerleader, have gotten together to strategize.

"I know," he says. "That's why I brought Lopez."

"You think I'm going to go down for kidnapping some chick in a pirate costume?" Santana raises an eyebrow, propping her hand on a cocked hip.

"I thought you were going into pre-law or some shit," he says. "Can't you, like, find some way so we can, like, take her without getting into trouble?"

Santana bursts out laughing.

"Fuck you, Lopez," he grumbles.

"Maybe we don't need to this year," Azimio says. "We made it all the way to the final game. Who cares about some fucking tradition?"

"No," Finn says earnestly. He's all into the tradition shit, and Puck normally wouldn't care, but this one is badass. "It's tradition, and it's important. We've got to find a way."

"Why don't you just ask?"

They all look up to where the voice has come from, on top of the bleachers, and are rewarded with a view of a pair of very shiny boots. He, Finn, Azimio, Karofsky and Santana all scramble out to see Kurt Hummel seated on the bleachers like he didn't have a care in the world. He picks imaginary lint off his immaculate jacket (he doesn't end up dumpster dropped now that he's a member of the team that used to pick on him) and leans back.

"This is a private discussion, Hummel," Karofsky glares. Not all of the team has warmed up to the flamboyant kicker, but Karofsky's probably the worst of them.

Hummel rolls his eyes. "Then you shouldn't be having it where anyone getting a latte can plainly hear you."

"We can't ask," Finn says. "The tradition is we have to take the mascot, and I don't think it counts if you ask. Maybe we can just, like, grab her and explain it's a prank later?"

"I'm not bailing him out of prison when he tries to lure her in his van," Santana says. "Especially since she already looks like bait on 'To Catch a Predator'."

"I don't mean ask Rachel," Hummel says. "I mean you could ask her dads."

"Ask her dads? Rachel?" he asks. "Wait, do you know this chick?"

Hummel rolls his eyes again, and Puck fingers itch a little. There's a dumpster less than 30 feet from here...

"Rachel Berry, aspiring Broadway star, captain of the Perry High School glee club and, of very recent days, the Perry Pirate, school mascot. Did you not do your research?"

"Do you know this girl or not, Hummel?" Lopez grinds out.

"Her dads get their car detailed in our shop and she and I have coffee after her dance class every Saturday," Hummel says. "Yes, I know her, and I know her dads. Big sports fans with a soft spot for school rivalries. They met at the annual Yale/Harvard game, in seats on either half of the fifty yard line. Sparks flew and the rest is history."

"So you're telling us they'll just... give her to us?" Puck says.

"Sure," Hummel shrugs. "If I ask, and let them know we'll just be doing what was done in previous years, taking photos around McKinley hot spots like we did with Milly last year, a few snaps at the party before dropping her off..."

"So you'll ask?" Finn says.

"One condition."

Of course there's a condition.

"Name it," Puck says.

Hummel hesitates, then an unreadable look comes across his face. "You have to be nice to her." Puck opens his mouth to retort, but the little kicker cuts him off. "All of you. She hasn't exactly had it easy at her school, which is why I don't think she'll put up too much of a fuss letting a rival school get the better of Perry, but I'm not making her miserable while doing it."

"Fine," Puck says. "We'll be nice or whatever."

"Then I'll ask."

This is how he finds himself on her doorstop with Hudson, Hummel, and Lopez on Saturday night, ringing the bell. A big black man answers the door, and Puck blinks. He'd seen a little of Rachel Berry at the football game when he wasn't focusing on the plays, dancing and tumblings circles around their cheerleading team even in thigh high boots and wearing an eye patch, and from what he could tell, she was like, tiny.

"Sweetheart," the guy calls, smiling at them and tossing them a wink. "Kurt's here. Can you come to the door?"

"Be right there!" he hears her call down the stairs, and then a soft patter of feet and she's in front of them, her eyes widening in surprise. She is tiny, though her legs are impossibly long under the miniscule pleated skirt she's paired with a hideous cardigan. From the corner of his eye, he catches Lopez checking out the stems and smirks.

"Oh, sweetie, no," Kurt tsks, going over and pulling at the sweater. "What have I told you about animal knits? Lose it, and the headband."

"What's going on?" she says, slapping Hummel's hands away as they begin to fuss at her buttons, but sighs resignedly and takes it off and hands it to her father. She's wearing a black tank top underneath, sadly. Damn, that could have been interesting.

"We're kidnapping you," Hudson says, and Lopez smacks him hard. "Ow!"

"We're _borrowing_ you," Hummel says. "It's a football thing, Rach. Please?"

"Don't worry, bunny," Rachel's dad says. "They just want to take a few pictures with the school's mascot, rub it in the faces of the other team, like Handsome Dan at the statue of John Harvard..."

"It was in 1934," a voice calls from the den. "Hardly worth bragging over!"

"Anyway, bunny, everything's set," Rachel's dad smiles and hands her a bag and a pair of shoes. "Your dad and I will have an evening in and Kurt will drop you back tomorrow morning."

She looks down at the bag in her hands but doesn't have a chance to say any before her dad is hustling them out the door and shutting it behind them. Her mouth opens and closes a few times, but no sound comes out. Hummel taps her on the chin, and she closes it and pouts. She has a good mouth. A good mouth and great legs. She's giving him all sorts of ideas. They walk toward the caravan of car parked across the street, Lopez and Hudson heading off to Azimio's van (complete with patched seats) as Hummel grabs her hand and starts pulling her toward Puck's truck.

"I guess we're doing this," she says. She flushes when he smirks at her, then shivers. Her arms come around herself, and under the light on the streetlight he can see goosebumps raised on her arms.

"Maybe we should go get her coat," Hummel says, his porcelain face creasing into a frown.

"Nah," Puck says as he shrugs off his letterman's jacket and drops it over her shoulders. She peeks up at him from under her eyelashes, giving him a tiny smile. "This'll work better for photos anyway," he says gruffly. He reaches to untuck her hair from the collar, his thumb brushing across her skin. She shivers again, and he's pretty sure this has nothing to do with the temperature outside. His hands find her waist as he helps her into his truck, and Hummel slides in next to her. He walks around the front to get behind the wheel, cutting off whatever hushed conversation she's having with Hummel. He fires up the car, and she flushes every time he brushes against her when he reaches to shift gears.

They pull up in from of the McKinley sign for the first picture, the team piling out of vans and cars. He helps Rachel down, doesn't let go her of her hand right away. She's chewing on her bottom lip and he's running his thumb over her knuckles when Lopez saunters over and before he realises it, she's closing a set of handcuffs over Rachel's wrist as his. "For the pictures," she says, shooting him a wink even as she tosses the keys to Hummel, who looks between Puck and Rachel before tucking the keys in his pocket with a knowing look.

"You're welcome," he says pointedly, and Puck isn't sure which of the two of them he's talking to. He tugs at the chain so Rachel stumbles a little into his side. Her pupils dilate a little, and that telltale flush is still across her cheeks. He laces his fingers through hers and she doesn't pull away.

It's going to be an interesting night.


End file.
